I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
