Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
