clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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