His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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