I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
