I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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