Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
MIDGETS
????
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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