I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
