Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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