I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
