The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
