so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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