You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
