The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
