i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
