I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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