So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
