I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
