The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
smell my finger.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
