Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
