drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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