Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
