You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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