why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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