I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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