After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
