guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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