dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
