my phone needs a breathalizer
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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