His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
