What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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