Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
