You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
