I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
