well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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