I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
