everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
