He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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