Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
