shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
