How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
