I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
