Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ttyl tear gas
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
