I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
