If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
