I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
