Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
