I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
