I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
