"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
