you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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