Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
